9AAEC9AD-354B-4B96-A90C-11C39F41FA45Warning: there is graphic descriptions and language,

so please stop reading if you will be offended

 

Jake and I married last year and decided to get started on making a family right away – and I got pregnant the next month. That man has some strong swimmers. Our pregnancy started out great. I felt really good under the circumstances, although I must admit that I was eating like a linebacker.  At about 8 weeks, we shared the good news with our family over Christmas.

Three weeks later our doctor performed an ultrasound that showed that the baby had died at 8 weeks and 4 days, just a few days after Christmas. We’re aware that miscarriage is common, especially in first pregnancies. Even so, I lost it as soon as we left the doctor’s office, sobbing all the way to the car with Jake holding me the entire time.

There’s a lot of emotion that boils up when you have a miscarriage, especially the shame, guilt and second-guessing. What did I do to cause this? How could I have prevented the miscarriage? I shouldn’t have eaten all those sweets, or I wish that I’d worked out more (or maybe less) and taken better care of myself.

Through yoga and meditation, I have learned that our ego tries to control every outcome, but in so doing it often creates more suffering and resistance. I remembered that it’s only when we can surrender to whatever the moment offers us that we can receive the gifts and lessons and reconnect to the ease and flow of life.

So I surrendered and came to terms with the reality that our baby was not meant to be born now and that the universe must have a different plan and another path that is greater than mine.

However, just when you think you’ve surrendered…the Universe will often show you how to surrender some more. 

Even though I had a miscarriage, we had to decide on the optimal way to discharge the unborn fetus in my womb. There are three options (1) a natural miscarriage where we simply wait and hope it comes out naturally without infection or other complications, (2) a medical abortion that is induced by pills, or (3) a medical surgical abortion known as a D&C.

On top of all of this, we were going to Kauai on our honeymoon that same week. Although the timing was terrible, we told the doctor that we wanted to try to pass the fetus through a natural miscarriage if possible.

However, upon further examination of the ultrasound, the doctor informed us that a natural miscarriage was not an option, and that I had to undergo a D&C (i.e. suction) surgical abortion as soon as possible. Evidently, there was some abnormal growth around my uterus and the tissue needed to be tested. The only option was the highly invasive surgical D&C abortion…our last choice.

Surrender…then surrender some more.

I’m already grieving from the loss of our pregnancy, and now we need more tests.  But tested for what? It turns out that I may have had a molar pregnancy, which would, if true, mean Jake and I have to wait another 6-12 months before we even try to get pregnant again… yet another year older, with even higher chances for miscarriage.  Once again, there goes my plan.

Surrender…then surrender some more.

Worse yet, there is a small chance that the material in my uterus might be cancerous and we will never be able to bear children. Fucking Cancer and no babies! I felt like the Universe just took away my hope and handed me a big ole’ shit burger of disappointment to chew on. I was angry, overwhelmed, confused and felt that all of this was outrageously unfair.

The surgical abortion was excruciating. Imagine a zookeeper letting an angry tiger with claws and fangs into your vagina for 15 minutes – that’s what it felt like. Jake was with me all the way, encouraging me to breathe and massaging my eyebrows. He is my amazing rock.

They brought me to the recovery room where I cried by myself replaying a pity party in my head about how I am a victim and all of this is so unfair. Jake and I really want and deserve to have a family. Why is God doing this to us? And on top of all of this, I was pissed that I gained 5 pounds + 4 inches on my waist and 2 inches around my ribs. Instead of getting a baby, I got surgery! I went through all of the bloating, constipation and gas for nothing. I was feeling pretty bitter.

I took a few deep breaths and a sense of calm and peace washed over me. I breathed my way back to presence.

Surrender…then surrender some more.

There was nothing I could do about the miscarriage, or the type of abortion that I had to endure, or whether I will or won’t be able to personally give birth to our children or the timing of all this in conjunction with our honeymoon. The more I tried to control the outcome, the more I suffered. I was deep into my limited perspective, condemned in a small box, following just one path.

The only way to freedom is to surrender to that which the present moment is offering us, let go of control, and trust that the universe has a plan for us. It’s only when I can surrender and go with Life’s flow that I can break free from the small box, and open my heart to the unlimited paths and gifts of the universe.

We all have the power to choose a new perspective.

Instead of resisting my circumstance, I am coming to terms with our reality and working on staying open to the lessons from this experience. The universe showed us that it wasn’t the right time for this baby to make it into the world. The invasive surgical abortion was needed so that the tissue could be tested and we can hopefully have a healthy baby in the future.

Surrender…then surrender some more.

Although we still want to have children of our own, maybe we will need to have a surrogate mother or adopt a child. Whichever path we take, I know Jake and I are meant to be parents and have a beautiful family. We may just need to redefine what family looks like and means for us. Although we planned to enjoy a healthy pregnancy and a romantic honeymoon, I can now see that this was divine timing that created an opportunity to heal together in sunshine and sand just days after the surgery.

I am not in total acceptance yet, but I am working on it. I am working on seeing the gifts in all of this. I believe that things don’t always turn out as we plan, but they always turn out the way they are supposed to. I’m working on letting go of my perfect plan in order to surrender to something greater. I’m working on trusting that we are taken care of, that there is a path even when I can’t see or understand it. I’m working on breathing my way back to love and grace.

Isn’t that the real work?