You may look at me and not see that I battle daily with food. I’m an addict. A lot of the time I am in control and can choose healthy options for my body. But every meal choice is a struggle. Some people have alter egos. Beyoncé has Sasha Fierce. I, unfortunately, have Fat Kid Freddy. The name is not to be demeaning. He loves anything fried, cheesy and creamy. He has a scarcity mindset that if I don’t eat those dang French fries NOW, then I’ll never be able to have them again…so might as well eat them. When he is in control, I travel down a shame spiral into guilt, self-loathing and disappointment.
I was at the whole foods this week, literally standing at the juice bar ordering a juice and saw donuts next to me (why do they put donuts next to the smoothie bar?). Without thinking, I quickly added a glazed apple fritter donut. Then after paying for my fritter and juice, I did a B-line straight to the thanksgiving bar (yes, they still have it out!) and plated a box of mashed potatoes, gravy and macaroni and cheese. I scarfed everything down and saved the juice for later. This is Fat Kid Freddy in full effect. There is no scarcity. There is no famine.
Some people can’t understand my struggle. My husband is a lucky one who can eat the same healthy meal each day, easily viewing food as fuel. I, on the other hand, am an emotional-eater, dreaming and plotting of what I ‘feel’ like eating next.
Meditation and yoga has helped me so much. By quieting my mind through meditation, I know that each step forward is ultimately a step inward to understanding myself, my addictions, habits, and thought patterns. I don’t need to resist fat kid Freddy. Whatever we resist, persists, and has a stronger hold on us. Instead I need to hear him out and see what he needs. By stilling the mind, I understand that I am not a victim. I have choices. Instead of unconsciously reacting, I have the power to step back, create space and consciously choose what best serves me. I deserve to feel empowered, worthy, taken care of and loved.
Mantra: When upset, don’t eat. Instead I have the power to go inward and feed what I really am yearning for.
Share what your shadows and demons are and how you lovingly deal with them in the comments below.