by Audrey Sutton Mills
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by Audrey Sutton Mills
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“The best way out is always through” – Robert Frost
Belize yoga retreat with Julie Radar was amazing! Like most students, I came to the retreat with a goal of what I wanted to get out of the retreat. Of course, being a yogini, I know we are not supposed to have expectations, but we are human. My goal was to find clarity and some guidance for the future and forgiveness from the past, without judgment or expectations, of course. J I didn’t believe that 5 days of yoga and working through our chakras would be life changing, but it was.
It was day three of the retreat, and I woke up early in the morning and couldn’t sleep. The weather was colder than the other mornings, and the clouds were covering the sun. It was 6 am. I was restless, so I walked down the wood plank and sat on the edge of the palapa with nothing but the Caribbean waters beneath my feet. Closing my eyes and focusing on my breath, I felt the breeze gently on my skin and could smell the ocean. I meditated on the future. I’m a woman and ask any female and she’ll tell you our minds are always running, typically either analyzing the past or worrying about the future. Since I recently moved to Florida from California, there has been some uneasiness about what the future holds for me in the sunshine state. As I sat in meditation, the thought of “what am I doing?” and feeling of anxiety and uncertainty of the future kept arising in my thoughts. Opening my eyes and seeing the dark clouds with the sun trapped behind them, I could tell my thoughts were racing and I was restless. The mind is always thinking. When one thought passes, a new thought, emotion, feeling or sensation arises. The mind never stops. It generates new thoughts, just like the ocean generates new waves.
Taking a deep breath, I scanned the gorgeous scene and closed my eyes again, letting go of any expectations for my meditation session, my future wants and needs and simply being in the present moment, allowing whatever thoughts, feelings or emotions to arise naturally. Without attachment or judgment, I simply observed my anxiety and fear. Instead of pushing away these thoughts, feelings and emotions, I welcomed them and sat with them. By bringing attention without judgment to each thought and emotion, just as if I were watching clouds pass in the sky, this allows for a little bit of space between what I was looking at and the simple awareness of looking. With my eyes still closed and my legs dangling above the water, I sat on the sun-kissed wood floor of the palapa and sat with my thoughts, asking for help and letting the thoughts be as they are, and simply watching them. “The simplest way to clear water obscured by mud and other sediments is to allow the water to grow still. In the same way, if you allow the mind to come to rest, ignorance, attachment, aversion and all other mental afflictions will gradually settle, and the compassion, clarity, and infinite expanse of your mind’s real nature will be revealed.”*
In a brief moment, my mind settled and was at rest. By letting go and releasing the expectation and attachment to my meditation practice, I finally became present and aware. I felt a small surge of energy slowly rising inside of me, like an elevator, deep at the base of my core and rising through my spine and out the top of my head. My mind was clear. I felt light. My question was answered. Everything will work out as everything does. This kept repeating over and over in my head. With clarity, I knew that everything will work out as it is supposed to. And if things don’t work out, then there is a lesson to be learned. Even though I don’t know the final outcome of this journey, I knew at that moment that here is right where I am supposed to be. I smiled and opened my eyes. To my amazement, the sun peeked up from behind the cloud and shined on the palapa. It was amazing to feel such beauty.
I wanted to hold on the experience and this special moment, but with life, things are always changing and nothing stays the same. With a smile on my face, I looked at the scenery and the sun shining on me and said thank you. Within a split second, the sun re-tucked itself behind the clouds and it was dark again. It was a beautiful moment, but I was done meditating. Although I was wanted to hold on to this moment, I knew it was perfect in its own way, and I didn’t want to ruin it by grasping and clinging to the moment. The sun was gone, my mind was clear and I was happy. I know that everything will work out as it is supposed to. I stood up and walked under the straw covered palapa, and as soon as I was under cover, it started pouring rain. It was incredible. In letting go of expectations, we find what we came looking for in the first place.
* Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche, The Joy of Living (Crown Publishing Group, 2007), 125.
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YOU ARE ENOUGH
YOU MATTER!
COME HOME TO YOURSELF,
YOUR SOUL AND YOUR TRUTH.
YOUR SOUL AND YOUR TRUTH.
HEY SOUL SISTER!
I’m Audrey | Yoga Instructor, Soul Mentor, Podcaster, Writer & New Mom
I know what it’s like to feel unfulfilled, alone, and not good enough. I’ve taken the hard journey of leaving a life I thought I wanted to discover the life I was destined to live. I’m here to help YOU walk the path of deeper self-love to the person YOU are meant to be. It’s my mission to inspire you to whole-heartedly love yourself, embody your worth and live your most expansive life. Take it from someone who’s been there.
&
YOU ARE ENOUGH
YOU MATTER!
COME HOME TO YOURSELF,
YOUR SOUL AND YOUR TRUTH.
YOUR SOUL AND YOUR TRUTH.
HEY SOUL SISTER!
I’m Audrey | Yoga Instructor, Soul Mentor, Podcaster, Writer & New Mom
I know what it’s like to feel unfulfilled, alone, and not good enough. I’ve taken the hard journey of leaving a life I thought I wanted to discover the life I was destined to live. I’m here to help YOU walk the path of deeper self-love to the person YOU are meant to be. It’s my mission to inspire you to whole-heartedly love yourself, embody your worth and live your most expansive life. Take it from someone who’s been there.
&
YOU ARE ENOUGH
YOU MATTER!
COME HOME TO YOURSELF,
YOUR SOUL AND YOUR TRUTH.
YOUR SOUL AND YOUR TRUTH.
HEY SOUL SISTER!
I’m Audrey | Yoga Instructor, Soul Mentor, Podcaster, Writer & New Mom
I know what it’s like to feel unfulfilled, alone, and not good enough. I’ve taken the hard journey of leaving a life I thought I wanted to discover the life I was destined to live. I’m here to help YOU walk the path of deeper self-love to the person YOU are meant to be. It’s my mission to inspire you to whole-heartedly love yourself, embody your worth and live your most expansive life. Take it from someone who’s been there.
&
YOU ARE ENOUGH
YOU MATTER!
COME HOME TO YOURSELF,
YOUR SOUL AND YOUR TRUTH.
YOUR SOUL AND YOUR TRUTH.
HEY SOUL SISTER!
I’m Audrey | Yoga Instructor, Soul Mentor, Podcaster, Writer & New Mom
I know what it’s like to feel unfulfilled, alone, and not good enough. I’ve taken the hard journey of leaving a life I thought I wanted to discover the life I was destined to live. I’m here to help YOU walk the path of deeper self-love to the person YOU are meant to be. It’s my mission to inspire you to whole-heartedly love yourself, embody your worth and live your most expansive life. Take it from someone who’s been there.